by Madelyn Coles

Life as I knew it was being a single mom who raised her son and only child and watched him grow into an adult. At the age of 20, my son had his first child. He then started his own life and moved away from home.  By the age of 25, he had five more children.

At 53 and as a grandmother of six, I was living my life working two jobs, as I always had, but came and went freely without anything preventing me from doing as such. I traveled when I wanted to, hung out with friends or just simply chilled with my sister and did some occasional shopping. That was the life I was enjoying. With six grandchildren, I was thinking of birthdays and Christmas. I must get all my grandchildren gifts, right? I tried to keep up with their birthdays but would often forget, and my son would text me and say, “Your grandchild’s birthday is today. Don’t forget to call them,” because he knew I would forget. This was my norm.

On June 27, 2018, however, my life as a single grandmother raising her 4-year-old grandson, Reo, began.

I was 56 years old and my life changed drastically. My son, Reo’s dad, was serving 10 months of time in prison, and Reo’s mother was serving time, too, facing eight years. The thought of this and having to raise a child all over again gave me a very unsettling feeling, a feeling of hurt that only a person in my situation could possibly understand.

Was I angry at the thought of having to do this? Of course. I was angry at the fact that I was doing the best I could taking care of myself. Taking on custody of a 4-year-old meant extra everything: I’d have to purchase more food, clothes and personal items. Was it a struggle for me? Absolutely.

At that time, I didn’t know much about all the different local support groups that I could reach out to like the Albemarle County Emergency Relief Program (ACERP), but I did know about the food bank, Loaves and Fishes, which I reached out to when I needed to. These programs also support others who are giving kinship care to their loved ones. (In my case, “kinship care” describes when a child is raised by a relative or a close family friend when their parents aren’t able to do so.) Although financially there were some struggles, the thought of putting Reo in foster care was never an option and I knew we would fight this battle and win it together.

I knew I had a village to help me through this, but my pride didn’t always allow me to reach out for help. I had amazing siblings and a very good friend who held me up during times I felt like I was going to fall. A very good friend of 17 years made sure Reo got what he needed and was also a positive role model for him. Reo took to him very well and they did fun things together like fishing and riding bikes. He was just a great addition to Reo’s upbringing and helped mold him as he grew older.

I had co-workers who would leave things for Reo on my office desk that I didn’t even ask for. Whether it was school supplies or an outfit, they just knew I had taken on the job of raising my grandson and that I could probably use the help. At times when I needed a little break, a family friend, Jason, would get Reo on some weekends. Jason would say, “Mama Coles, I got Reo. You just enjoy yourself.” Jason had two daughters and at that time they were ages eight and 15. Reo played well with Jason’s kids, so I was comfortable with him going and he was always excited to go.

I had a hard time getting Reo enrolled in school not knowing I had to go through the courts and legally become his guardian before I could even get him registered. Albemarle County Public Schools would not let me enroll him in school until I got the necessary documents showing I was his legal guardian. They told me that I had to go down to Albemarle County Court to have these papers drawn up and then I could come back to register him for school.

So, that year, Reo missed pre-school and started going to Grady’s Day Care. Grady’s Day Care was great for him because I knew they prepared kids for the start of school. When I heard they had tutors come in from the University of Virginia (UVA) each week to prepare them for kindergarten and first grade, that relieved me of some of the worry and I knew he wouldn’t fall behind in learning. I did all the court visits and paperwork, and I legally had joint custody with his dad so I could not only have him registered for school, but I could also take him to his doctor’s appointments without being looked at as though I had kidnapped him.

Reo would often stare off as if there was something on his mind, and I’m sure he was just trying to make sense of all the changes in his life. His mom and dad were both away and another relative was saying she was going to put him in foster care because she couldn’t afford to raise him. But I refused to let that happen. On the first night of Reo being in his new home with me, I had gotten him settled in his own bedroom, which took him some getting used to. I would always sleep with my bedroom door open and a nightlight in the hallway because he wasn’t fond of the dark. He came in my room and said, “Grandma, can we talk?” I sat up immediately and said, “Of course.” He got up on the bed beside me and I put my arms around him and he started telling me what he had experienced when the police showed up at his mom’s house to arrest her. It was in such detail it would have frightened any child or adult for that matter. That’s when I knew why he would stare off and be in deep thought trying to make sense of it all.

Once Reo started school, juggling his school schedule and my work schedule became a lot. With me working a full-time job during the week and part-time as a caregiver on the weekends, it was pretty challenging at times, but I did what I had to do. I would leave work in the middle of the day to pick him up once school was over and take him back to work with me to finish out my day. My part-time job was on the weekends, which allowed me to take him there with me as well, so that worked out in our favor. It was a lot, but, nevertheless, we made it work for the both of us.

So there I was trying to make a good life for the both of us and then came the calls from jail that I had to pay for. It was another expense, but I was trying to keep him connected with his parents since we didn’t do a lot of visiting, and Reo was okay with that. Each call cost about $3.00, but that expense didn’t last long because both parents started paying for their calls themselves because they didn’t want to put any extra expenses on me, and I was certainly fine with that. I’ve had to tackle many hurdles while raising Reo, including racism. Reo is multiracial and I have been called the “N” word by a non-Black family member many times. I’m not sure why, but it was just random and for no reason. I talked to God a lot during these times and it was his grace and mercy that brought me through.

Reo is one of six grandchildren, and I love them all the same. Out of the six grandchildren Reo was the only one who didn’t have both parents present for those eight years that his mother was away. I did give him more attention than I did the rest of the grandchildren because he was living with me and we had a special bond. I was the only mother figure he had at that time. But, I will say that my other grandchildren’s mothers treated Reo very well and when he was around them, I can tell they loved him dearly, and for that I was grateful.

During the four years of raising Reo, I had to deal with problems in school, in the neighborhood off and on the playground, you name it. I used to tell my son that I would be glad when he himself graduated and got out of school, not knowing I was only going to face it again. After my son served his 10 months, I continued to raise Reo until my son was able to do so financially. What I thought was going to be 10 months of raising Reo turned into four years. I knew financially my son wasn’t prepared to take him back immediately following his release, so I was okay with continuing to raise Reo until his father could.

In 2019, my son established a catering business called Simply Trending Catering, which is still running successfully today. In 2022, he was able to get his own apartment for himself, Reo and one of Reo’s sisters. Reo told me he wanted to live with his dad, and I totally understood. Reo is always respectful to me, and if I had to do it all over again with him, I would. To this day I still treat him as if I’m still raising him. He can always call on Grandma Madelyn.

Having to experience this chapter in my life, I wanted to try and help other grandparents going through this in any way I could. That’s when I came up with the idea of starting a non-profit organization called “Another Mother’s Arms” (AMA). AMA is specifically designed to support grandmothers but is not limited to others who are raising someone else’s child or children for whatever reason. During my research, it was just amazing how much help there is out there that I’m willing to share with others who may find themselves in these situations. When I attended different functions like One Stop Shop and The UVA Small Business Expo, letting people know about AMA, I offered them a packet called the Street Sheet, and it alone covers practically every need these grandmothers and kinship caregivers may have. Anything from food, clothes, a ride to their doctor’s appointments, mental health, you name it, can pretty much be found in this packet. If it’s not there, I have other resources people can reach out to me for as well. We have to understand that not every need is a monetary need. Life’s needs are not just based on the dollar bill. I would strongly recommend starting with the Street Sheet by Googling “Street Sheet Charlottesville.” Seekers can also contact Another Mother’s Arms for help and other resources that are available to them.

AMA has had a successful beginning. We are currently working on getting our name out there and letting others know what our purpose and vision is. When speaking with the public, we hear nothing but positive feedback and how needed and important our organization is to the community. I have an awesome staff of volunteers and amazing people who have reached out and offered to volunteer to help when needed. It’s just amazing how people have stepped up to offer their help and for that we are truly grateful.

You can contact us on our website at anothermothersarms.wixsite.com/another-mother and donate to the cause using the same site. No donation is too small.

On behalf of all grandparents raising grandchildren and anyone giving kinship care, I have since asked Governor Abigail Spanberger for reconsideration of policies affecting grandparents who step in to raise children when a parent is incarcerated or absent. The questions that I would like her to address are:

• Why is continued assistance not consistently available when a grandparent assumes full-time care due to a parental incarceration?
• What administrative barriers prevent these caregivers from receiving support on behalf of a child?
• Are there current efforts to address this gap in assistance for kinship caregivers?

Another Mother’s Arms is here to advocate on your behalf.

This is my story,

Madelyn Coles, Founder